21F here… I’ve been struggling with sadness and shit for awhile now and I don’t really have a support system. My family doesn’t believe in mental health (they’re Arab lol) and when I’d try to tell them I’m stressed they would just turn it around and blame me so I can’t talk to them about anything. My past relationship with my dad is also playing a big role in why I feel the way I do at times because it wasn’t the best in the past and it was physical at times and we wouldn’t talk for a long time while living under the same roof so i feel like I’m just this big mess of confusion and social anxiety and i lack the feeling of being loved and cared for. Me and my bf broke up recently (4.5 month of knowing him) but we were so close and he means so much to me, it was a mistake I made that caused us to split (we’re still good friends and hangout here n there but we are long distance of 7.5 hr drive). I feel like this breakup made me feel 100x worse because I literally can’t picture them out of my life and it fucking shatters me. They are long distance for another year but I would’ve waited. I care so much and I just feel like my life is this cycle of meeting people and then they are memories and I hate it so much. I never liked a guy the way I liked him because I never trust anyone like that. But he’s different. I think that’s what’s fucking killing me even more. I just feel like I have no one, no friends, no one to go out and do stuff with. It fucking sucks and I sometimes wish I wasn’t here anymore but I know life is worth living.
Hello, chronic major depression haver here! I can’t really give advice because it will be different for everyone and therapy isn’t my strong suit (my last therapist told me I “need someone with more time and experience”). But I can share some experiences.
My twenties were fucking hell. Sleep all day, lay in bed all night, every color is the same flat gray, etc. I met someone who lit up my life, but it ended. That spiral was baaaaad.
I’ve tried disappearing/running away/taking a long trip. The trips are wonderful and I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. However, when you leave everything behind, you only take what’s already a part of you. This can be a great opportunity for self-reflection, or it could make everything louder. Depends on you and what you’re ready for.
I’ve tried drinking it away. Spoiler: you can’t. It’s not worth trying.
Over time, I learned to see the way people in my life helped me grow and be better and this was when things started to turn around. Part of it was just growing up and maturing. Part of it was time and distance. All things must pass, and this will too.
Emotion and logic are not separate things. Emotions react to your experiences and they are there to tell you something. Sometimes it’s that someone is good or bad for you. Sometimes it means you need carbs and a nap. Let them speak, but do not let them rule you. They are advisors.
Some books that helped, and I cried through, are The Elephant in the Brain by Simler and Hanson, Behave by Sapolsky, and Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. They may or may not be right for you at different times and you shouldn’t take them as gospel on your feelings or state of mind, but they can provide insight that no one else may be providing.
All in all, what you’re going through is okay, valid, and natural. Try different things. Rest, move, talk, or don’t. My therapist told me I somehow cobbled together a functional set of coping skills through trial and error. I’m not saying to be like me, for the love of all things please don’t. There are better ways. Seek help when you need it and live your life on your terms.
Uh, ramble over, I guess? Not sure it’s helpful, but let me know how I can help.
Hey benignintervention! Just wanted to say I really liked your view of things. I am so glad things turned out for the better for you. I am sure you still have your ups and downs, as we all!, but it is so encouraging to read what helped you and what did not. Even though this reply was addressed to someone else, it really brightened my evening to read how you handled things - for better or for worse. Thank you so much!
Happy to be of service! I spent a couple years training lieutenants and had many opportunities to ad-lib this presentation lol
Hey canadianchik, your post touched me. It seems like you are overwhelmed, there is so much in this post alone to unpack. I know how much it hurts to lose a loved one. When you are so close to someone, it is very difficult to imagine life without them. We would do anything in our power to keep them close. Compound this with family who son’t understand and being lonely, and you’ve got a perfect storm! I don’t have any good advice for you (I’m sure others will), but I just want to send some nice thoughts your way. Even when it does not seem so, your situation will improve and your life will get brighter. I am sure of it! Until then, I am keeping my fingers crossed for your days to be light.
Thank you for this thoughtful message Elwin (if that’s ur name). Sorry if not. It is really hard. I know I’m not the only one going through this. I know time heals. That’s why I feel like I have high functioning depression because I know the good times will come, I know life gets better, I am aware of these things but deep down I still feel like utter crap. Not all the time though. I think what hurts me the most in life is not being able to talk to my parents about stuff, especially my dad. I always felt lack of love from him and I know his and I’s relationship wasn’t the greatest but my heart genuinely shatters so hard when I see how well he gets along or the “I love you’s” he and my siblings say back and fourth. I sometimes wish me and his bond was like that but the main thing I feel from him is being scared of him and I feel guilty that I feel that way but i know it’s not my fault. With the ex, we are still good friends but I genuinely can’t help but just want him to myself. I honestly told him this today and I feel bad for being so attached. I wish I can win him back so I prove to him so much things. I made a dumb mistake and I know he’s not mad at me about it anymore but I guess part of me is in denial. It’s honestly hurts at like nearly but not rlly the same level of when me and my ex years ago broke up. I was crushed. That relationship honestly took me like 2 years to fully get over but this one hurt so much and I think it’s because I never thought I’d like someone again, I talked to guys but they were all fuckboys, and if they weren’t, I genuinely just couldn’t fall in love. But this guy I did. Now I’m crushed.
Hey again, canadianchik! Thank you for going into some more details about your situation. I feel like I could understand you a bit better.
It sucks when you can’t really connect with your parents. It’s a bit funny, but it really doesn’t matter how old we are, we always seek validation from parents. The good news is that this relationship can also change, but I do acknowledge it’s not easy. We are so caught up in our parent-child roles and there is a lot of history to overcome.
As for your ex, I get that you finally found someone nice in him after all those years of heartbreak. Now, breaking up with him hurts so much more because of this. I am really sorry to hear this, I am! I also noticed that despite you saying you made a mistake, you also mentioned you are still friends. To me that proves your mistake was not as grave after all, even if it caused your break up.
In both of these situation, I would just like to encourage you to accept your emotions as they are. You might be jealous of your siblings. You might be scared of your dad. You might miss your ex. You might be possessive of him. To all of this I say: so what! These are your feelings, your reactions to what is happening to you. Knowing that time will heal or that you have “high functioning” depression does not change your experience one bit. So, own it. For now, this is how you feel and that’s alright as well. ❤️🩹
You’ll get lots of different advice from a lot of people, breaking up hurts, and it hurts for a while. It is not forever though.
You’re very young, still at a time when hormones thrive and the brain is still developing, take some time to be patient with yourself. It’s okay to feel like you want to disappear, it’s okay to despair, it’s okay to cry. Let yourself experience your emotions without judgement.