21F… been fucking depressed for so long I genuinely don’t know if I am or not anymore. I am so happy at times but then reality hits and I’m back to normal. I get attached to people I like too hard and then it makes it worse. I feel detached from everyone. I don’t rlly have anyone to talk to much because I also don’t like stressing people out or being a burden on anyone. Idk how to feel anymore. I do things like a mini getaway with my friends but as soon as it’s over and I’m back home I just get this loneliness feeling. I feel alone even in a room full of people. It sucks because people see me as this happy person who’s always laughing and giggling but deep down I’m lowkey fucking tired of this shit but I don’t wanna be that depressing person around people u know? My friends make me feel happy yes but when I talk about anything it doesn’t really change anything. I’m just tired if that makes sense? Like not wanting to be here but wanting to be here because I’m scared of not being here. Not in a suicidal way I guess but more so of a vanishing point. I do think about some deep stuff sometimes but I’d never do it. I’m too scared, I know life is great and there’s plenty I want to do in the future and explore the world but it’s so hard to stay motivated when I feel like this. I really like this guy but we like broke up but we’re still friends and I think that probably triggered everything to worsen because I’m so attached. I’m fine with being friends and all because I know my limits and my mindset is okay with it but the whole situation sucked and set me back like how I would feel in the past and I hate it.
The deep exhaustion from being alive and trying to keep up on top of it is so real. At your age it was probably the worst for me too, especially during a time where so many relationships are so temporary. It’s hard.
It sounds like you need a break. Like just, a week to breathe, where you don’t have to worry and everything is stable. I have no idea how that can actually be done, but if you can manage even a day of that and get a taste you might have a sense if it’ll help you feel better.
Sounds like you might need a breather from the guy too - if he’s really your friend he’ll understand you taking space to heal before coming back. It’s scary but you can ask your friends to vent in small amounts, that way you have consent and you have confirmation that they love you and want to be there for you(!!). You can ask them to do the same too, if you don’t already. Sometimes being there for others (how you can) can help you feel grounded.
Sit outside for 20 minutes on a nice day, grab your favorite drink or snack, have a healthy-ish meal, and write in a journal or draw. Wash your face and put on clean clothes instead of stressing about a full shower. These are by no means cures, but they can be tiny reprieves from the tiredness.
Understand that happiness is an emotion, not a permanent condition. It will come and go. Take things day by day, and with each little step you will make more progress than you did before.
Know that you’re not alone and that loneliness you feel is normal (especially for your age, and especially with depression). We’ve been there, too. Taking the steps to reach out and ask is something to be proud of. You’re doing great 🩵 wishing you some relief in the meantime.
Thank you for this. This is like how I feel everyday, like just getting up and going about my day is rewarding to me because I lack that motivation at times. It’s weird and funny because I have motivation to do certain things at times, I’m in nursing school and I love it and I’m on a break before we start again but I want to start again because now I just have nothing to do and I’m spiralling. I will be spending a lot of time alone the next 2 weeks though, I enjoy being alone but not always. I think my biggest struggle is the friends aspect, I have like one main friend but sometimes it doesn’t feel like she’s actually there you know? Sometimes it feels like a relationship just for fun and stuff but I know it’s not that. But I don’t feel like I can really talk to anyone about my problems without coming off as stress to them or a burden, and I don’t want to lose anyone because of this u know. And I don’t want to take a break from him because I love being around him, we game and talk and it’s nice. He’s a great guy. I know I will learn to slowly detach my emotions which is good as we broke up and stuff (it was only like 4.5 months) but I did get very attached and still am. He means a lot to me but I hurt him and I have to live with that. Shit happens I guess. I’m just tiredddd of trying to be something I’m not and act like everything’s okay. I will start journaling more, I did start in February, only wrote two pages and never touched it again. But I do remember it being nice .