21F… been fucking depressed for so long I genuinely don’t know if I am or not anymore. I am so happy at times but then reality hits and I’m back to normal. I get attached to people I like too hard and then it makes it worse. I feel detached from everyone. I don’t rlly have anyone to talk to much because I also don’t like stressing people out or being a burden on anyone. Idk how to feel anymore. I do things like a mini getaway with my friends but as soon as it’s over and I’m back home I just get this loneliness feeling. I feel alone even in a room full of people. It sucks because people see me as this happy person who’s always laughing and giggling but deep down I’m lowkey fucking tired of this shit but I don’t wanna be that depressing person around people u know? My friends make me feel happy yes but when I talk about anything it doesn’t really change anything. I’m just tired if that makes sense? Like not wanting to be here but wanting to be here because I’m scared of not being here. Not in a suicidal way I guess but more so of a vanishing point. I do think about some deep stuff sometimes but I’d never do it. I’m too scared, I know life is great and there’s plenty I want to do in the future and explore the world but it’s so hard to stay motivated when I feel like this. I really like this guy but we like broke up but we’re still friends and I think that probably triggered everything to worsen because I’m so attached. I’m fine with being friends and all because I know my limits and my mindset is okay with it but the whole situation sucked and set me back like how I would feel in the past and I hate it.
Thank you for this. This is like how I feel everyday, like just getting up and going about my day is rewarding to me because I lack that motivation at times. It’s weird and funny because I have motivation to do certain things at times, I’m in nursing school and I love it and I’m on a break before we start again but I want to start again because now I just have nothing to do and I’m spiralling. I will be spending a lot of time alone the next 2 weeks though, I enjoy being alone but not always. I think my biggest struggle is the friends aspect, I have like one main friend but sometimes it doesn’t feel like she’s actually there you know? Sometimes it feels like a relationship just for fun and stuff but I know it’s not that. But I don’t feel like I can really talk to anyone about my problems without coming off as stress to them or a burden, and I don’t want to lose anyone because of this u know. And I don’t want to take a break from him because I love being around him, we game and talk and it’s nice. He’s a great guy. I know I will learn to slowly detach my emotions which is good as we broke up and stuff (it was only like 4.5 months) but I did get very attached and still am. He means a lot to me but I hurt him and I have to live with that. Shit happens I guess. I’m just tiredddd of trying to be something I’m not and act like everything’s okay. I will start journaling more, I did start in February, only wrote two pages and never touched it again. But I do remember it being nice .