I don’t have the answer for you, sorry. But I was glad to read

"at least I don’t feel like I want to kill myself all the time like it happened in the past… "

It seems like the pool makes you feel better. So try to make sure you get to treat yourself to things you like.

I’ve heard a lot of people don’t care for antidpressants.

I’ve also heard people say “keep a list of things that make you happy/that you are grateful for” and review it often. But no matter what, I hope things turn around for you and that you feel better.