Do you think the Christmas gods would relent this year if we just offered up a small fortune to Mariah?

I had to check if this was an Onion article…

How to make spaghetti carbonara taste better:

Food evolutionary genetics have not yet developed to the point of being able to successfully grow a tongue on a portion of spaghetti carbonara. However, the Gordon Ramsay-Bolton at the Food Research Institute in Bologna has made some key breakthroughs in surgically attaching mature pig tongues onto the carbonara using surgical-graded pasta-based thread and using a butter salve rubbed directly onto the tongue which has resulted in better tasting carbonara. Based on initial trials on 1455 individual portions, results have shown that the tongue was rejected in 40% of cases, which can result in a bad-tasting spaghetti carbonara.