I’m so tired. Why bother struggling to find insurance that lets me continue with my therapist. Why bother finding insurance at all. Why bother look for a job. Why put so much effort into a life I’m so tired of living? I know things won’t improve. That they can’t improve, really. Sometimes it might feel like things are better, but circumstances haven’t changed, it’s just the drugs making it not feel like it matters. I’ve given up on all these things that other people take for granted, and yet it still hurts to think about how I’ll never get there. I’m so tired of it, and I don’t see any way it ever changes. I just don’t want to continue on. Why do people have to care about me? If they didn’t, then I could just leave and not hurt them. Why isn’t acceptable for me to just say “actually, nah, life isn’t for me, see you never” and fucking die?
I’m pretty sure suicide’s inevitable. At some point, I’m just not going to care enough about the guilt and go through with it, it’s more just a matter of when that’ll be. Makes me sad my online friends won’t know for sure, but they’ll probably guess after a few weeks of being offline. At least I don’t have to worry about leaving work on short notice.
I don’t want you to die. I feel that need too, the escape that looks like the best solution. But i don’t really want to die either. I want things to change around me, i want justice in this world. I want freedom, the real one. Returning to nonexistence is not the same freedom, because you can’t feel it. You can’t feel satisfied for having written a simple poem expressing your pain, just to yourself. You can’t feel proud for going on anothef day. You can’t feel nostalgic for the fears of the past. You can’t feel worried for a stranger who feels similar pain to you, miles and miles away. Even that is something I’d rather not lose, even if worry it’s not considered a so called “positive” emotion
It might seem like you can’t feel those things today either, but that’s temporary. You have time, and you have needs. Stay true to your needs, honor them, and don’t be afraid if you inadvertently discomfort someone chasing them, even if that’s yourself. Time + truth = Victory Know what you want, know its value, and escaping will become the last thing you’ll ever want.
I hope reading this might help you, writing it is helping me, so thank you for giving me this opportunity, our pain is the fertile ground in which hope can sprout
