WASHINGTON—Grumbling to himself as he repeatedly dropped the device, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly blowing into a Breathalyzer Thursday in an attempt to unlock his phone. “Stupid fucking judge made me put this on my iPhone,” said the head of the nation’s largest government agency, snapping his fingers to get the attention […]
I honestly thought this was a real headline before seeing the source.
I wouldn’t celebrate too soon. The precogs they’ve got writing stuff over at the Onion are rarely wrong, they’re just early.